December 2016

It’s been almost a month since i last posted. For some reason, im not working at that “happy” place anymore. It became unhappy. But hey, life goes on. Alex got to Singapore a couple of weeks ago and we went travelling around Thailand. It was one of the best time i ever had, even though we felt sick after eating something wrong and took turns throwing up and having diarrhoea. LOL. So good to see him again, it was a little strange and awkward at first, having to distant ourselves, but things went and we were very comfortable with each other. Sadly, he has gone back to the US, and im hoping i’ll be able to see him again very soon. So complicated, but yet so simple at the same time.

Anyway, i’ve got a new job, that i want to commit, it’s back to the nightclub scene, making g&t one after another, dancing the whole night. Couldn’t have asked for more. I’ve been reading heaps, i love reading, never thought i’d say that. And my life has been changing bit by bit for the better and im very happy with that.

Currently reading a book called “Busy” by Tony Crabble, and it made me look at things in a different eye which i hope to be able to share that with my fellow friends and industry mate. Will talk about it on my next post.

Be back soon 🙂

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Life, travel, mental illness, love, relationship and every other things i want to get my mind off

Just over a week since i got back to Singapore, and got back to working asap. My mind’s all over the place again. Can’t wait to be over, and now wishing it was longer. This 4.5 months trip finally ended. Alex and i have parted ways, and im missing him very much.

This trip has been a hell of a ride. I did stuff that i never thought i’d do, i’ve seen things and places that i never thought i’d see ever in my life. Eaten all sorts of local delicacies. It’s crazy, i don’t even know how to explain. It’s great! That’s all i can say. Would i do this again? Probably yes. Anyway, just thought i should announce that Amsterdam has the best Chinese food, out of every where i’ve been so far. It’s insane.

So it’s my first time being in this part of the world, i’ve conquered so many places already. I’ve been to USA, UK and Europe. Here’s a list.

USA
Brooklyn, Mahanttan, Queens in New York City
Hoboken, Newark, Union in North Jersey
Alantic City, Haddon Township, Voorhees in South Jersey
Philadelphia in Pennsylvania
Baltimore in Maryland
Washington DC
Reston in Virginia

UK
Lymm, Liverpool, Manchester, Leeds, Loughborough, Sheffield, Bakewell, The Peak District, Wolverhampton, Walsall, Birmingham, Bristol, Bath, Stratford-Upon-Avon, Littleton-Upon-Severn, Bedford, London, Wales, Brecon Beacons

Europe
Munich, Stuttgart, Dusseldorf in Germany and then Amsterdam in Netherlands

And so much more little villages and towns that i cannot even remember the names……

Anyway… the things i want to get my mind off

The Relapse

It was amazing to be back into arms of my love one, however we didn’t have the time of our life. I had several meltdown, which causes me to go mental, and ended up hitting myself which causes so much bruises. I didn’t know what happened, we fought, because of nothing, i honestly didn’t know how did an argument even came about. All i know is every time i got a little annoyed,  go crazy. Literally crazy.

Departed

The last couple of days we had together wasn’t a happy one. It was moody, worrisome, nerve wreaking. There was no intimacy, it was depressing. I blamed myself, the whole self-loathsome act came. At the airport, it felt emotionless. I was sad, i don’t know how Alex feels, i did think he felt upset too but relieve at the same time, cause he just couldn’t deal with me anymore.

Alex

Alex and i have spoken quite a bit and its pretty obvious that he’s drifting away. Chatting just didn’t feel the same, no more funny snapchats, no more smiley emoticons. He was afraid, he said he was so scared, he didn’t know how to react, and he don’t know if he was actually ready to have a long distance relationship with me. What if things don’t work out? What if i moved in with him then we found out we are not compatible? All that is on his mind is his career now and all stuff. He said that it’s too hard to have a label or status.

It hurts, of course. It’s like he doesn’t want to end it, but he kept saying stuff that meant he didn’t want a relationship with me. What if we are not friends? He still cares a lot about me. We are all adults, and from the time we had serious discussion about our feelings for each other, i know im in, i know im ready to face the challenge, and overcome the distance. I thought he knew.

Live in the moment, i guess, back in July, that moment was that he fell hard for me, and hence he made that decision, but now things have changed. I have never shared with him anything about my personal mental health issue and i guess no one will ever know what would happen if i was ok and didn’t have any breakdowns that freak him out. Alex gets upsets when im upset, so he doesn’t want to upset me. I love this boy, with all my heart. No one has care for me as much as he does. No matter what the outcome is, im ready to accept. All i want is for him to be happy.

Im Sick

It all just happened today, this arvo in fact, i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. So i have depression, anxiety, bipolar, and BPD now. It all made sense now. It crazy, it started since young, my anger, the way i react to certain behaviours. The self-mutilation, the self-harm, the low self-esteem, and all, and i don’t even know what to say now. It made sense why i behaved the way i am. Im being referred to a therapist, and im looking forward, that’s all i can say.

A Wise Man Told Me

Lately, i’ve been surrounding myself with very positive people, which im very blessed. My manager, tell me how people should love each other, why certain people feel this way, how work should be, and what life should be. It’s a little enlightening, which i wish i could share it but im really bad at writing so i’ll try it another time.

Love

Awhile back, i wrote something to describe what i think about love, you can read it here. Right now, i have a bit of change of perspective. Love is selfless. Love is to care and concern. There should be a lot more love in the world. However what is the difference between friendship love and a couple’s love? I think it’s the same in fact, the only reason why people come together as a couple, is taking their friendship to a next level, because they not only like the opposite party, but they are able to feel comfortable enough to be intimate. I have a few best friends that i would risk my life for, but i don’t want to have anything sexual with them. I don’t want to be intimate with them, i think that’s what love it. Love is not about possession, love is about supporting one another, bringing each other to a higher ground and improving themselves in every way, helping each other to fulfill their dreams and goals. Love is about inspiring one another. Love is being together but still able to do things separately. Love is having trust and honesty. Love is to be kind. Love is not to understand one completely, but to accept one for who they are. Love is not about having a status or a label but to acknowledge someone for who they are. Love is being able to handle someone at their worst, and be there as well when they are at the best.

Relationship

It takes 2 hands to clap. It’s never a 100%, but in fact 2 50% that makes a whole 100%. It takes effort, it’s being there for one another. I personally believe that any 2 individual that are able to fall in love and to have an intimate relationship, no matter what happens, things will eventually always work out, because they never give up, and that’s a commitment. People take the word “relationship” too seriously, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a serious boy/girl relationship, or girl/girl boy/boy whatever, every interaction with 2 human beings is a relationship. For example, when i serve a customer at work, i want them to be happy, i need to put in effort and smile, and talk to them, rather than just putting the orders of the food and drinks of the table. Even that work-customer relationship has to involve work. Long distance can be overcome, if the effort goes both ways.

My own room

26 years of my life, i finally have my own room, sleeping in the living room. I finally found peace. I use a house and a sink analogy to explain. It’s like when you wash dirty plates in the sink, which represents your problems and being at home, means you can free yourself, and recharge, cleanse your mind, clean the dishes. But no. All these years, my house is like a clogged up drain. I don’t get alone time, and when at work, i deal with many people. Sometimes, all i want to do is to sit down alone at the comfort of my house, but i can’t. All my problems kept piling up. Im sitting here at the moment, writing all these, and it feels very therapeutic. Im very tired and there’s heaps more i want to say but i just want to get these out of my mind so i can feel better. And i am.

Till next time. Good night. And wishing everyone a little more love in this galaxy.

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Autumn in Europe

Almost 2 weeks now in Europe, finally reunited with Alex 🙂 It’s been an absolute blast, im so happy to be back again and spend time with him. Europe has never been on my plan this trip and its another surprise that this trip happen, just like Canada.

It’s been such a good break. No shoots, nothing, just resting heaps. Being a slob basically. Weather has been getting bad, by bad i mean cold, and i hate the cold, and its raining too.

We’ve been to Munich last week for 2 days and got to Oktoberfest, met up with my good ol’ mate Ken lil bro. Is in Stuttgart at the moment, went to the Volksfest, and visit Birkenkopf, where the highest point of Stuttgart is, also known as the rubble mountains, where you can find remains of what happened in WWII. We also went over to Ludwigsburg, another little city and coincidentally happen to have a street festival with so many food stalls which is my favourite.

Looking forward to Amsterdam this coming weekend and spending time with work-free Alex. Wishing we could close the distance real soon.

I’ll be back soon. Just being lazy now before i get flooded with work when i head back to Singapore.

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Catching up

Just to catch up on what’s been happening on my trip. Im in London now. Busy city, cold, getting cold. VERY expensive. accommodation wise, its been hectic as usual, but im happy it’s getting sorted out and i’ll be safe till then end of the month.

About £33 for an unlimited public transport 7-day pass on zone 1 to 2. I’ve been using it to travel anywhere around London. Seeing many things. Some mandatory stuff such as the palace (from the outside of course) and to the Sky Garden to see the overall, so yea, pretty much seen everything already. Having severe face allergy at the moment so hopefully that will go off soon.

I need a well deserved break. Looking forward to the Europe trip, nice hugs and kisses from the lovely boyfriend. Being in a place where i know i’ll be safe, and someone to trust and rely on. Having a carefree mind to explore different places together and share lovely memories with each other.

2016 has been a very interesting one. Full of sadness actually. Not referring to me but the whole world. People falling sick, viruses around the world, many deaths going on. It’s been tragic. As for me, i’ve been thru heaps of shit, but then again no doubt there’s many amazing stuff that has happen to me too.

To my friends, strangers, anyone in the world, i wish, i hope, i pray, things will get better. Always (try) to look on the bright side of life.

Peace ❤

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26 more days

Hiding in a tiny village, Littleton-upon-Severn, an hour away from Bristol, on the South West coastal line just across Wales, with only about 100 villagers. It’s so peaceful, so quiet. Im staying with Thomas and Ricky, whom i consider a family friend of mine when i was living back in Perth, together with their 2 pups, Judy and Edie. It was just a relieve when i met them, i knew i will be safe, not having broken promises, and a nice place to stay so i could recharge. Will be here for another 9 days, then i’ll head to London, where i will face many challenges again, hopefully friends that said they would help wont pull out on me the last minute.

I went to Bath yesterday for a day trip, very nice and old city.Went to the library to read some books and past time. Cooked Yang Chow Fried Rice and Cha Ye Dan (Tea Leaf Egg) for the first time it was a huge success. The only think i miss about Singapore is the food and my clothes, so bored wearing the same thing over and over again. I’ve been so tired and restless, just so bored already, just wanna head back home, just wanna be with my dear one.

26 more days till i get to Germany, till i meet Alex again, till i get to be in another safe environment with no empty promises made.

Time pass faster please.

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Mid travels in west midland

Been away from home almost 3 months, im very tired and exhausted. I haven’t been posting much either cause im just so restless all day. Im sitting in a room now, in my photographer’s place, feeling a bit sick. Seems like im falling ill. The past 2 weeks has been pretty ok. After i left Leeds, i went down to Loughborough for a couple of days with an old mate of mine that use to live in Singapore. He had a spare room in his place and slept there for a couple of days.

Headed to Walsall after, where i am at the moment, a small town in the West Midland, just 40mins away by bus from Birmingham. This is my 2nd house im staying. Last week, i stayed with a lady name Lianna, she has been taking very very good care of me. Her house is very small and very clean. Very cosy little house. I felt so comfortable at home. She was very nice and make sure i get taken care of, makes tea for me every morning and dinner every night. We went out together in town for shopping, got me the best deals of everything, we also heading to Birmingham for a nights out with some other couchsurfer. So now im at my 2nd place, at my photographers place in Walsall too. Will be here for a couple more days and going to Birmingham city until the end of the month.

In terms of modelling, it has been great in the west midlands, had a couple of great shoots. Looking forward to more, and hopefully get more in London. I’ve also been meditating a lot lately, i feel a lot better now. Still have some bad days that makes me feel very low. But i’ll be better, hopefully.

Be back soon.

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Help…

I pluck up my courage and tried to give “travelling model” a go. And im so tired now. I had 4 people who cancelled on me saying they could have me over to stay with them. And last minute something cropped up. It’s not their fault, but im just so tired and stressed for having to find someone host me at the very last minute.

I love english people, their accents, culture, and lives. I thought it’ll be fun to stay in the UK longer as i’ve more friends in the UK than in USA, but it turns out that my USA trip feels way better, especially the weather.

Im travelling alone now and i refuse to stay in hotels and hostels cause its expensive and lame. Airbnb in UK is ridiculous as well, almot the same price at hotels anyway. You pay for such an expensive amount of money and you dont really get to meet anyone on a personal level.

Couchsurfing, is what i’ve been doing, apart from the fact that its free, you feel home. You get to interact with people, and see what are they doing with their lives, learn their culture. That’s what i wanna find out, what do people do in their lives. You cant get that shit while staying in a fancy hotel room.

船到桥头自然直, as the english saying, Everything will turn out for the best; Let’s worry about it when it happens; thing will eventually turn out fine.

I hope heaven has a plan for me. I’ll pray.

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