Need. More. Sleep

Slept for 14 hours yesterday and have some weird dreams. I’ve been dreaming lately and it makes me feel not well rested. 

Just had lunch with mum and back home resting before I head back to work for training. I feel so weak. So irritated and pissed and vulnerable and upset. Just wanna stay at home and lie down.

Wish Alex is here. 

Ahh. I wish i get well soon. 

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So sick 

First time in ages that I felt so sick. I completely lost my voice. Body’s aching. Constant nose blocked. Felt a slight fever coming up but manage to get rid after popping a couple tabs of Panadol. I feel a bit overwhelm these couple of days and a bit down for some reason but im glad i notice it quickly and manage to calm down  after I took my meds. I’m a lot better in handling my emotions and mental state now which is really good.

This year is finally coming to an end. So many things happen. The travels especially. It has been a tremendous exciting journey. The first half of the year was a lot of work. And the 2nd half was a lot of travels and Alex.

Once again. The trip that we both went to explore the whole of Thailand, from Krabi to Phuket to Chiang Mai to Bangkok kinda make me realize that I really really truly like Alex. Im in love with him. I want him to be happy and i want to be with him and experience life together.

It’s this whole modern dating complicated grey area here we are facing but I hope we can be together geographically in the next couple of years. I’m willing to wait and i do want to step up on my career now too. I hope this will be the time that both of us work hard for what we want and then we can plan our journey in the next couple of years.

Its tough. It sounds like a dream. Maybe its mine. Maybe its his too. I don’t know. All I know is I’ve never connects to anyone on such a deep level and he’s the one that i feel whole with.

Feeling so vulnerable. I feel like all the mental health demons are tryna come back at me. All I wanna do is to be a hermit crab. Hide at home. Not talk to anyone. Not work. Get my cough and flu over and done with first before I face the world. Meditate as much as possible. Read on my kindle. I wish i could just cuddle Alex and sleep. I miss him so much. Can’t wait to visit him soon. Just being really down at the moment. Rants over.

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Sick

I came across this article on Buzzfeed the other day, 19 things people with chronic pain wants you to know and i thought of sharing some personal stuff about me if anyone would like to know. I do not have serious chronic illness but i just want to share the unpleasant feeling of being sick and tired physically and mentally all the time.

I have severe sinus problem. Having bad allergies. Sensitive to dust. Been having it since i was a kid, that explains why im always sneezing and having blocked nose 24/7 for 365 days a year. Most medications have not helped me. Yes i’ve tried heaps of stuff since i was a kid. Im just living with it. My sense of smell is pretty terrible and i use my mouth to breathe most time. And no it’s not contagious so don’t push me away like im a walking disease.

I cough every single minute of my life everyday. And no im not infecting you with anything. I have asthma since i was a baby and since then i always have this dry cough and my throat gets really itchy and i cough to make my throat feels better. As i get older it gets worst and it obviously doesn’t really help when i started smoking when i was a teenager, i don’t do it that often now so it’s good. It’s not nice trying to imitate me coughing. It’s rude and i get upset. It may seem funny but no it’s not.

I have scoliosis. My spine is slightly bend and twisted. Which makes me having backache all the time. I have this habit of bending down and touching my toe to stretch my back so it feels better and people often make fun of me being weird and shit. No it’s not funny, again.

I have low blood pressure. Thus making me feel tired and light-headed all the time. I stand all day at work and sometimes i just want to sit down. Im not lazy, i work hard, it’s just that sometimes i can’t focus properly. People laugh at me for behaving like a kid when i carry around a water bottle with my all the time. But it keeps me hydrate and feel better.

Last year i had a bad sprain when playing on the trampoline drunk. Lol. Serve me right, and all thanks to me being a smartass and didn’t let it heal and still continue to do squats and leg press, my ankle hasn’t properly healed yet and it’s been more than 6 months already. This explains why im always wearing flats. I remember when i came back to Singapore and went out clubbing with my friends. They laugh at me for wearing my Nike to a fancy club. Then again, shoes are way more comfy than heels anyway, and i definitely would not want to get drunk wearing heels and start embarrassing myself when i trip and fall.

I have mild depression and anxiety, then again so do most people, especially living in this stressful society. Im not gaining sympathy. I cry randomly at times, and feel upset sometimes, and i try talking to some friends but they just couldn’t handle it and push me away. But it’s ok and all i need is a breathing space and sometime to cool down and life will go on eventually.

I know at most times, these people are joking, but sometimes it happens way too much and deep down i feel really upset, uncomfortable. To those that faces similar issues you are not alone! As time goes by, you get older and you realize who your real friends are. Those that will stand by you and understand you. Hope you guys get a better understanding and stop making fun of me or anyone else 🙂

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