8th Month

The mighty me has fallen. It’s been awhile since I felt so sick. Apparently I was told that it’s because I have a high immune system, hence I don’t fall sick easily. However if I did, it’d be very serious. Went to the doctors yesterday and was told I got infected with some virus. I feel so weak, and restless, and useless pretty much. My mental state isn’t very healthy at this moment too. I’ve been crying a lot. Feeling very down. I can’t even complete simple task such as grabbing food or combing my hair without being stressed out by it. My room is in a messy, I need to clean, but I’m so lazy, and can’t be fucked doing it.

When in times like this, I just sit and do nothing. I’ve to take so many medication that I feel so drowsy all the time. I just wanna curl up into a ball and hide away from the earth. I wish someone could cuddle me. Just a big warm hug, to make me feel calm again.

Today might not be the day that I feel good but that’s ok, cause I know the down time will pass eventually, and soon enough, I’ll be ok.

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So sick 

First time in ages that I felt so sick. I completely lost my voice. Body’s aching. Constant nose blocked. Felt a slight fever coming up but manage to get rid after popping a couple tabs of Panadol. I feel a bit overwhelm these couple of days and a bit down for some reason but im glad i notice it quickly and manage to calm down  after I took my meds. I’m a lot better in handling my emotions and mental state now which is really good.

This year is finally coming to an end. So many things happen. The travels especially. It has been a tremendous exciting journey. The first half of the year was a lot of work. And the 2nd half was a lot of travels and Alex.

Once again. The trip that we both went to explore the whole of Thailand, from Krabi to Phuket to Chiang Mai to Bangkok kinda make me realize that I really really truly like Alex. Im in love with him. I want him to be happy and i want to be with him and experience life together.

It’s this whole modern dating complicated grey area here we are facing but I hope we can be together geographically in the next couple of years. I’m willing to wait and i do want to step up on my career now too. I hope this will be the time that both of us work hard for what we want and then we can plan our journey in the next couple of years.

Its tough. It sounds like a dream. Maybe its mine. Maybe its his too. I don’t know. All I know is I’ve never connects to anyone on such a deep level and he’s the one that i feel whole with.

Feeling so vulnerable. I feel like all the mental health demons are tryna come back at me. All I wanna do is to be a hermit crab. Hide at home. Not talk to anyone. Not work. Get my cough and flu over and done with first before I face the world. Meditate as much as possible. Read on my kindle. I wish i could just cuddle Alex and sleep. I miss him so much. Can’t wait to visit him soon. Just being really down at the moment. Rants over.

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Positive thoughts

I don’t know what exactly happened, but i know it has gotta do with my current workplace. For once, i can confidently say that im in a very safe environment, very positive vibes going on, very encouraging people and very caring people.

I feel heaps better, physically, even though i have less than 6 hours of sleep everyday, and mentally. I haven’t shouted and talked back to anyone for the past week. Each time i get upset, or angry, i take a deep breath. It’s never easy to create this new habit but i try and try again. Putting in effort, making myself less upset and more positive.

I was told, when you get upset, usually it’s because of someone, your brain loses oxygen, hence you are unable to think properly, resulting in saying negative remarks, and words do hurt. So take a deep breath, and perhaps you can analyse what went wrong. Never ever flare up because you never want to stoop down to their level. They are not worthy of your time and energy to be upset about. Be the bigger person. Live and let go.

As the saying goes, your thoughts determine your success. Your thoughts will become your words, your words will become your actions, your actions will  become your habits, your habits will become your character, and your character becomes your destiny.

Many things have happened at home, and at work recently. But im glad and proud of myself that im able to control myself. Things will eventually get better.

Sending lots of love and positivity to every single human on earth. Be mindful, be strong, dare to make changes, be a better you.

Night night ❤

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Started from my childhood

My manager jokingly said something to me the other day, 你外表看起来很强装可是内心是需要爱. Meaning, you look tough on the outside but you need love on the inside.

Had a chat with mum this morning about my trip to the psychiatrist. It’s kinda weird talking sensitive stuff to her. It has never really been a case where there’s much heart to heart talk. It’s an asian thing i guess, many friends that i know, and even videos in YouTube about stereotypical asians, parents and kids don’t really share our feelings with one another.

Many times i wonder why am i so depress, i have a roof over my head, i have a complete family, i have friends, good job, my love for modelling has been doing very well too, there’s no need for me to feel upset. And my psychiatrist told me that having borderline personality disorder is something that started from a young age.

So i told my mum what she said, and she reckons, apart from feeling loved, you have everything, and it all made sense to me, again. My parents wasn’t home most time as both of them had full-time job. They were not very well to do, but they make sure that my sister and i were both were well taken care of and i was taken care by a domestic helper a few months i was born until the age of 16. It was only much later, like when im in my late teens or 20s, only that my mum stop her job and stayed at home, for a few months, to have a break at work and to “catch up” time with her kids. Till this day, my dad is still working like crazy.

My mum has 8 siblings including herself but they were not close, in fact they sort of cut ties at a young age. I remembered my mum told me once she saw her brother at the supermarket but they didn’t speak to one another, i don’t know if he didn’t see her or she didn’t bother calling him or what not. My mum is also not close with her parents as she was very independent when she was very young age, and her parents practice favouritism, i think, that’s what happen if im not wrong. I think it was below the age of 13, i don’t think i ever seen anyone related to my mum.

As for my dad side of the family, he was the eldest of his siblings, with 1 aunt and 1 uncle. As the eldest son, he was a very independent, and started working at a very young age too. My paternal grandfather, has a mistress, and he has always been taking care of that other family rather than his own one. I remember asking my grandmother once, why didn’t she leave him, and i vaguely remember her reply but she told me (i forgot was it her in-laws or her own parents), but either one or both of them had divorces before, and she just wanted to sorta stop the “curse”. She didn’t say the word curse, but implied that she doesn’t wish her future generation would end up in a divorce. It’s pretty funny, weird, that till this day, every Chinese New Year, we all still hang out together and my grandmother, and the “step-grandmother” treat each other as sisters. Kinda respect them for loving my grandfather. Anyway, i just don’t have much respect for my grandfather, because of a lot of things but let’s not go to that. So my immediate family, sister, dad, mum, and i, we are not close to my grandfather. On top of that, my grandmother kinda favours my aunt and uncle more, hence we are not as close to her as much as our cousins. My sister and i just don’t have that close relationship like most grandparents and grand children have.

I also think that mum and dad have heaps differences in their lives, they don’t love each other as much like most couples, i think, but im sure they care each other a lot. That’s why they are still together. They still put in effort until this day, and try to make things work, which both of them do agree that being in a relationship is all about giving and taking, and compromising.

I believe every human has their own battles and problems that no one might ever know, perhaps my sister has some problems too i just do not know yet. But i do know everyone should care for one another, and love a little more.

Anyway, that’s my story, so that’s what my mum said, and she said, she reckons that’s why i always fall so hard for a guy because i was craving for love and affection. So like i said, it all made sense, why i behave this way, why i was expecting so much in a relationship, why it feels like a piece of me was gone when my friends disappointed me. Why i felt so upset when i realize im not close with my old friends anymore. I guess i was trying to make up for it. And my bipolar, and depression, are causes of bad breakups and expectations, then the BPD plays apart and that evil cycle just kept going over and over again. But right now, it has to stop. I know the root of my problem, and im determined to improve and love myself, because i know im capable of loving other people, but i need to make sure im strong enough to protect myself before i can be capable of protect my love ones. Because i am truly appreciative of people and I value my friends.

That being said, im missing Alex so very much and i hope everything will work out between us.

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Life, travel, mental illness, love, relationship and every other things i want to get my mind off

Just over a week since i got back to Singapore, and got back to working asap. My mind’s all over the place again. Can’t wait to be over, and now wishing it was longer. This 4.5 months trip finally ended. Alex and i have parted ways, and im missing him very much.

This trip has been a hell of a ride. I did stuff that i never thought i’d do, i’ve seen things and places that i never thought i’d see ever in my life. Eaten all sorts of local delicacies. It’s crazy, i don’t even know how to explain. It’s great! That’s all i can say. Would i do this again? Probably yes. Anyway, just thought i should announce that Amsterdam has the best Chinese food, out of every where i’ve been so far. It’s insane.

So it’s my first time being in this part of the world, i’ve conquered so many places already. I’ve been to USA, UK and Europe. Here’s a list.

USA
Brooklyn, Mahanttan, Queens in New York City
Hoboken, Newark, Union in North Jersey
Alantic City, Haddon Township, Voorhees in South Jersey
Philadelphia in Pennsylvania
Baltimore in Maryland
Washington DC
Reston in Virginia

UK
Lymm, Liverpool, Manchester, Leeds, Loughborough, Sheffield, Bakewell, The Peak District, Wolverhampton, Walsall, Birmingham, Bristol, Bath, Stratford-Upon-Avon, Littleton-Upon-Severn, Bedford, London, Wales, Brecon Beacons

Europe
Munich, Stuttgart, Dusseldorf in Germany and then Amsterdam in Netherlands

And so much more little villages and towns that i cannot even remember the names……

Anyway… the things i want to get my mind off

The Relapse

It was amazing to be back into arms of my love one, however we didn’t have the time of our life. I had several meltdown, which causes me to go mental, and ended up hitting myself which causes so much bruises. I didn’t know what happened, we fought, because of nothing, i honestly didn’t know how did an argument even came about. All i know is every time i got a little annoyed,  go crazy. Literally crazy.

Departed

The last couple of days we had together wasn’t a happy one. It was moody, worrisome, nerve wreaking. There was no intimacy, it was depressing. I blamed myself, the whole self-loathsome act came. At the airport, it felt emotionless. I was sad, i don’t know how Alex feels, i did think he felt upset too but relieve at the same time, cause he just couldn’t deal with me anymore.

Alex

Alex and i have spoken quite a bit and its pretty obvious that he’s drifting away. Chatting just didn’t feel the same, no more funny snapchats, no more smiley emoticons. He was afraid, he said he was so scared, he didn’t know how to react, and he don’t know if he was actually ready to have a long distance relationship with me. What if things don’t work out? What if i moved in with him then we found out we are not compatible? All that is on his mind is his career now and all stuff. He said that it’s too hard to have a label or status.

It hurts, of course. It’s like he doesn’t want to end it, but he kept saying stuff that meant he didn’t want a relationship with me. What if we are not friends? He still cares a lot about me. We are all adults, and from the time we had serious discussion about our feelings for each other, i know im in, i know im ready to face the challenge, and overcome the distance. I thought he knew.

Live in the moment, i guess, back in July, that moment was that he fell hard for me, and hence he made that decision, but now things have changed. I have never shared with him anything about my personal mental health issue and i guess no one will ever know what would happen if i was ok and didn’t have any breakdowns that freak him out. Alex gets upsets when im upset, so he doesn’t want to upset me. I love this boy, with all my heart. No one has care for me as much as he does. No matter what the outcome is, im ready to accept. All i want is for him to be happy.

Im Sick

It all just happened today, this arvo in fact, i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. So i have depression, anxiety, bipolar, and BPD now. It all made sense now. It crazy, it started since young, my anger, the way i react to certain behaviours. The self-mutilation, the self-harm, the low self-esteem, and all, and i don’t even know what to say now. It made sense why i behaved the way i am. Im being referred to a therapist, and im looking forward, that’s all i can say.

A Wise Man Told Me

Lately, i’ve been surrounding myself with very positive people, which im very blessed. My manager, tell me how people should love each other, why certain people feel this way, how work should be, and what life should be. It’s a little enlightening, which i wish i could share it but im really bad at writing so i’ll try it another time.

Love

Awhile back, i wrote something to describe what i think about love, you can read it here. Right now, i have a bit of change of perspective. Love is selfless. Love is to care and concern. There should be a lot more love in the world. However what is the difference between friendship love and a couple’s love? I think it’s the same in fact, the only reason why people come together as a couple, is taking their friendship to a next level, because they not only like the opposite party, but they are able to feel comfortable enough to be intimate. I have a few best friends that i would risk my life for, but i don’t want to have anything sexual with them. I don’t want to be intimate with them, i think that’s what love it. Love is not about possession, love is about supporting one another, bringing each other to a higher ground and improving themselves in every way, helping each other to fulfill their dreams and goals. Love is about inspiring one another. Love is being together but still able to do things separately. Love is having trust and honesty. Love is to be kind. Love is not to understand one completely, but to accept one for who they are. Love is not about having a status or a label but to acknowledge someone for who they are. Love is being able to handle someone at their worst, and be there as well when they are at the best.

Relationship

It takes 2 hands to clap. It’s never a 100%, but in fact 2 50% that makes a whole 100%. It takes effort, it’s being there for one another. I personally believe that any 2 individual that are able to fall in love and to have an intimate relationship, no matter what happens, things will eventually always work out, because they never give up, and that’s a commitment. People take the word “relationship” too seriously, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a serious boy/girl relationship, or girl/girl boy/boy whatever, every interaction with 2 human beings is a relationship. For example, when i serve a customer at work, i want them to be happy, i need to put in effort and smile, and talk to them, rather than just putting the orders of the food and drinks of the table. Even that work-customer relationship has to involve work. Long distance can be overcome, if the effort goes both ways.

My own room

26 years of my life, i finally have my own room, sleeping in the living room. I finally found peace. I use a house and a sink analogy to explain. It’s like when you wash dirty plates in the sink, which represents your problems and being at home, means you can free yourself, and recharge, cleanse your mind, clean the dishes. But no. All these years, my house is like a clogged up drain. I don’t get alone time, and when at work, i deal with many people. Sometimes, all i want to do is to sit down alone at the comfort of my house, but i can’t. All my problems kept piling up. Im sitting here at the moment, writing all these, and it feels very therapeutic. Im very tired and there’s heaps more i want to say but i just want to get these out of my mind so i can feel better. And i am.

Till next time. Good night. And wishing everyone a little more love in this galaxy.

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What i’ve learnt

We spent all our lives trying to find ourselves. We go on meditation retreat, travel, detox, basically trying to find out the purpose of our lives. Im travelling at the moment, alone, trying to figure what do i want exactly, and my conclusion is that there’s no way we can ever find out. There’s no such thing as a purpose, but just to survive. In the cave man era, survival is to hunt, eat, and sleep. In this century, its to work, eat, sleep, and every other things that we do, that we call hobbies, such as doing sports, go drinking, have occasional high-tea with your mates, those are just to keep your sanity alive, cause work is hectic.

Anyway, i found out a lot about myself, and that “point”, where you realize “it all makes sense now”. That moment just make everything so clear, why i did certain stuff when i was a kid, why this happens, why this why that.

I found out that im a very emotional person, pretty obvious because i do blog about stuff every now and again, it’s hard not to realize that. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, bipolar, anxiety, and i get panic attack now and again, and when Aunt Erma visits once a month, i become dipshit insane, which involves verbal diarrhoea, hitting myself, and crying nonstop, and because im such an emotional person, it feels even worst, the “what ifs” scenarios keeps playing in my head, one thing leads to another, it’s pretty scary. When i hit myself, i sorta transfer my pain from emotional and mental to physical and that diverts the attention.

The other day, i saw this little boy at the bakery, accidentally dropped his buns on the floor, and i freaked out and cried. I felt bad for him. And a homeless man (i assumed), got kicked out of the bench by security guards, and i got so upset. I could have ignore, its none of my problem, and i probably wouldn’t get upset. But i don’t know why.

i get stressed, i think, a lot, too much. I think it’s normal though, i remember what the famous comedian Russell Peter said, that women brains are constantly thinking, and the brain of a male have the ability to just do nothing. So i guess it’s ok, i think. Everyone has different lives, yet sometimes we can relate to them so much. It’s so weird, yet fascinating at the same time.

What do i think about myself being emotional? Do i like it or not? Hmm, sometimes i do, i think i have to ability to relate to people in many ways, being compassionate. Being with me it’s like going surfing, there’s ups and downs. Sometimes i wish i could be a bit more cold, less emotional, mentally strong. But would people around me think that im a boring and self-centered person? Cause sometimes i think that about people, then again, who cares right?

This is life i guess, things goes rounds in a circle, people who are very emotional try to be less emotional so that they wouldn’t care much, and vice versa, people that are less emotional try to be emotional cause they want to understand and know what is it like to have more feelings so they could relate. People that are introverts admire extroverts cause they have the ability to make friends that easily, and at the same time, extroverts admire introverts cause they have the courage to be alone at most times. And so on and forth. The circle of life, this is.

Life sucks, but it can be great sometimes, or life is great, but there are shitty moments. The glass is half filled, or half empty, but at least there’s water. Make plans, but live in moment, i try to tell myself that everyday. And i’ll keep trying. Eventually it’ll all work out. The sun always comes after the rain, even though there will be rain somehow again, but the sun will still come out. We just have to accept that this is life, ups and downs, it’s a circle. Just try to survive in the easiest and happier way.

I’ve got back to my medication for the last 2 days, i feel less emotional now, i feel like there’s a barrier inside of me. I don’t know if that’s good, but i don’t wanna breakdown again in these last couple of days. I’ve been very lucky, to have a boyfriend, a good friend, that stands by me, supports me, and help me, and care for me. Im blessed. Looking forward to this weekend, last few days together before we part again.

Wishing everyone a little more love, towards everyone else, and especially for themselves.

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Blogging on a lonely night

I never knew that blogging would be a great help to me. I’ve been having this blog for a couple of years now. Whenever im sad, or happy, or angry, or being creative, i wanna write it down. Like now, im feeling really depress. I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs, and pull my hair, and scratch myself. Im sitting in the living room, filled with cat fur, and face being swollen from an allergic reaction. I don’t remember the last time i felt so heartbroken. I can’t breath properly, i cant think properly. The tear bucket in your eyes has already dried up. Im in pain, physically, and emotionally.  I want to go to bed and forget everything, shut myself from the world, but i cant. My face is so itchy, my heart is pounding, my minds running. My life feels like everything is crumbling down. The light at the end of the tunnel is diminishing. I feel like breaking down.

I knew long distance was tough, especially with my mental state, and i was crazy enough to give it another go. Im a hypocrite. I have heaps of guys friends since i was a kid, and yet i get jealous a tiny bit. “Stop being jealous!” they said. But it isn’t that easy. Blame it on the past. Blame it on myself. Blame it on my low self-confidence. Blame it on my low self-esteem.

Im conscious enough to know that whatever happens, life still goes on. And i know i will survive. I think i’ve been thru the worst. I don’t think that i can ever felt that low in my life ever again. But i know i know if shit happens. I will crash. This is not a threat. This is reality. This is how i feel.

I get into this “zone” where i think of silly stuff, and i know it sounds silly, but i have to get it out otherwise it’s stuck in my head and my chest feels tight, and i cant breathe. And then when the time comes. I regret, and feel like what im feeling now.

I read and research how to be a better girlfriend. What are the dos and don’ts. Its kinda common sense anyway, but i just can’t seem to grasp it sometimes. I wish i can erase my brain and reset it again. I know i can be a good one. I can prove it. I just need to get my shit together. I hate it when i cant get a hold of myself.

Im sorry. I truly am. I just missed you so much. I love you.

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