2017. Busy year ahead.

Been missing for 2 months. Haven’t got the time to open up my laptop. Or i should say, i’d rather sleep then get on my laptop. Things been really hectic in the past few weeks. First it was the grand opening of Kilo Lounge, then Christmas, then New Year, then Chinese New year. Working crazy shifts. Getting home when the sun comes up. 2017 is gonna be a hectic one. I’ve put modelling to a halt now. Not because i’ve retired but i just want to focus of bartending now.

February is the month where i have to keep training and practicing. March i’ve 2 huge competition coming up. April i have to start getting ready for Colour in FLUX 2017 hair competition. And in July i’ll be modelling for Golden Sissors 2017 too. Its gonna be a wild one 2017.

Trying to keep calm. Haven’t been meditating and reading much either. Been really unhealthy. Oh wells. On the another hand i just visited the dentist after donkey years. Finally. It cost me a bomb. Now im back to being broke.

Valentine’s day in ¬†a day. Just another day. Forever alone. When is that special someone gonna come into my life ūüė¶

Peace out.

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Blogging on a lonely night

I never knew that blogging would be a great help to me. I’ve been having this blog for a couple of years now. Whenever im sad, or happy, or angry, or being creative, i wanna write it down. Like now, im feeling really depress. I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs, and pull my hair, and scratch myself. Im sitting in the living room, filled with cat fur, and face being swollen from an allergic reaction. I don’t remember the last time i felt so heartbroken. I can’t breath properly, i cant think properly. The tear bucket in¬†your eyes has already dried up. Im in pain, physically, and emotionally. ¬†I want to go to bed and forget everything, shut myself from the world, but i cant. My face is so itchy, my heart is pounding, my minds running. My life feels like everything is crumbling down. The light at the end of the tunnel is diminishing. I feel like breaking down.

I knew long distance was tough, especially with my mental state, and i was crazy enough to give it another go. Im a hypocrite. I have heaps of guys friends since i was a kid, and yet i get jealous a tiny bit. “Stop being jealous!” they said. But it isn’t that easy. Blame it on the past. Blame it on myself. Blame it on my low self-confidence. Blame it on my low self-esteem.

Im conscious enough to know that whatever happens, life still goes on. And i know i will survive. I think i’ve been thru the worst. I don’t think that i can ever felt that low in my life ever again. But i know i know if shit happens. I will crash. This is not a threat. This is reality. This is how i feel.

I get into this “zone” where i think of silly stuff, and i know it sounds silly, but i have to get it out otherwise it’s stuck in my head and my chest feels tight, and i cant breathe. And then when the time comes. I regret, and feel like what im feeling now.

I read and research how to be a better girlfriend. What are the dos and don’ts. Its kinda common sense anyway, but i just can’t seem to grasp it sometimes. I wish i can erase my brain and reset it again. I know i can be a good one. I can prove it. I just need to get my shit together. I hate it when i cant get a hold of myself.

Im sorry. I truly am. I just missed you so much. I love you.

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At that lowest point, yet again.

Sitting at the desk of my home. Im feeling the “shittest” again. Many has happened, amazing stuff. But out of which there are certain things that i feel upset about. I breakdown, i panic. I dont know why. I have many to be thankful for, i suppose. But it just doesnt feel that way.

I feel i dont deserve to be happy. I dont deserve to be love. They say before you can love others you must love yourself. I dont agree. I guess i’ve never been love and it sucks to feel like that so i always try to give all my love to people i admire so that one day the people that i admire, my friends, my family, the boy i really like can love me the way i love them.

Bad memories come flooding through, the people i respected and admire the most sometimes are the one that disappoint the most. I guess that’s what expectations are. Just popped up on my “memories” from Facebook today, i wrote something several years ago, “The key to happiness is lowered expectations.” So true.

I wanna go to a place where no one knows me, so i wont be disappointed when no ones there for me. Right now in a place, where i know many people, but i still feel alone. There are people that likes me, but i may not like them the way they like me. And that sucks cause it might make things so much easier. You cant force feelings, but do not lead on one.

If only everyone in the world is kind and honest and respect one another and never hurt anyone physically or emotionally. The world would be a better place. But we all know that world peace is never ever gonna happen.

Sunshine will come after the rain. Something always happens.¬†Everything will turn out for the best.¬†Let’s worry about it when it happens.¬†It will be all right on the night.

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Missing April

In the blink of an eye, April is gone, and i havent posted anything at all. Left my old job at FOC restaurant, now helping my ex-boss, also current boss to set up a new cafe. Its been hectic, but im sure its gonna pay off, very soon.

Life’s meh, as usual, nothing fancy. Im so restless, hence i procrastinate heaps, then i don’t get work done, then i get upset, then i binge eat, then i feel tired, and restless, and the whole evil cycle happens again. pfft*

Its 1.40am, i should be sleeping. The last 2 nights has been a pleasant one. Tonight seems a bit more quiet, even though there are 3 other people sleeping in the same room. I just can’t bring myself to go to bed cause i’ll be awake with the lights and all. But my eyes are on the verge of closing. So good night. Updates soon.

 

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Depression

It feels like a blanket of darkness falls upon you. You are unable to see the future, nor know what to do, how to react.¬†You procrastinate, things don’t get done. You panic. You know you’re suppose to sort your shit out but for some weird reason there is this lack of energy you have that stops you from doing anything. You can’t get anything done, but yet you still feel restless.

You hope someone will be there for you,¬†but yet you don’t really know how to approach cause you feel like a burden to them.¬†Each time i have a massive breakdown, i go to the bathroom and cry, and hit myself. I get panic attacks. I don’t know what to do. I freaked out. I call¬†someone, then i don’t even know what to say. I start to question myself, why the fuck am i bothering someone, again. I feel ashamed. I apologized, all the time.

Its a state of mind, try to snap out. So easy to say yet so hard to do. The promise someone gave to you doesn’t seem to be there when the time comes cause bear in mind they are humans too, and they have their own woes and troubles, and they have got no time to deal with yours.

Don’t ask me why im depressed, i don’t know. I seem sucessful and full of confidence, that’s what¬†most people assume anyway, and i should not be feeling like this. Im not here to ask for pity, i just want people¬†to know that it feels horrible. Terribly horrible. I feel useless, i get depressed, then i feel useless cause i cannot get over being depressed. Then i get depress because i feel useless.¬† I do not want to feel like this. I really do not.

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Failing at relationships

I don’t need a boy in my life. But I’d die to have one. Society claims to be happy with your life and someone will eventually come. But for some reason. That has never been the case. I try to do my very best in life. Which makes me wonder what’s wrong with me.

I’m an independent woman and I do well in my life. But its weird that I function even better when I’m attached. But its also weird that sometimes my brain just rejects anyone that wants to step into my life and I cannot seem to comprehend that.

I met this guy recently. Tall. Attractive. Charming. My type of guy I’d just say. I don’t know where things are heading. But it sure made me feel something that I haven’t experienced in a long long time. I like him. To put it simply. I really really like him in fact.

Society said it’s not worth getting upset over anyone. But i just can’t help it. It’s complicated.

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I miss being attached

Dear Lonely Late Nights,

I miss having a boyfriend
I miss having a companionship
I miss hugging someone
I miss kissing someone
I miss having a shoulder to cry on
I miss having a shoulder to lie on
I miss eating with someone
I miss drinking with someone
I miss chatting with someone
I miss playing games with someone
I miss watching movie with someone
I miss being attached

Sincerely,
The Single Lady

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