Half a year

Its been more than half a year since I last posted, I thought I’d pen down my thoughts and happenings on what has happened in the past 5 months. I flew to Kuala Lumpur to check out The Malaysia’s Giffard Cup, followed on by heading to Phuket for a competition, got 6th position internationally. Lost my phone 😦 Went to Macau for a guestshift. Working at Lounge, got 6th position for Goldwell hair competition 2017. Got some photos published on some magazines. Lost my phone, again, but founded by some kind soul. Got promoted, transfer to Kilo Kallang. Went to Ultra Music Festival. Fast for the first time. Celebrated Hari Raya. Did some crazy photoshoot, hung out my maternal cousins for the first time. Shot a commercial in Singapore.

So crazy, Im so lost. So much has happened. So good though. I feel sometimes I’ve sidetrack a bit but then again i know I’ll be back on track. July’s coming up. Hopefully a good one. Will try to keep my sanity and be more focus.

Good night world. x

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2017. Busy year ahead.

Been missing for 2 months. Haven’t got the time to open up my laptop. Or i should say, i’d rather sleep then get on my laptop. Things been really hectic in the past few weeks. First it was the grand opening of Kilo Lounge, then Christmas, then New Year, then Chinese New year. Working crazy shifts. Getting home when the sun comes up. 2017 is gonna be a hectic one. I’ve put modelling to a halt now. Not because i’ve retired but i just want to focus of bartending now.

February is the month where i have to keep training and practicing. March i’ve 2 huge competition coming up. April i have to start getting ready for Colour in FLUX 2017 hair competition. And in July i’ll be modelling for Golden Sissors 2017 too. Its gonna be a wild one 2017.

Trying to keep calm. Haven’t been meditating and reading much either. Been really unhealthy. Oh wells. On the another hand i just visited the dentist after donkey years. Finally. It cost me a bomb. Now im back to being broke.

Valentine’s day in  a day. Just another day. Forever alone. When is that special someone gonna come into my life 😦

Peace out.

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Need. More. Sleep

Slept for 14 hours yesterday and have some weird dreams. I’ve been dreaming lately and it makes me feel not well rested. 

Just had lunch with mum and back home resting before I head back to work for training. I feel so weak. So irritated and pissed and vulnerable and upset. Just wanna stay at home and lie down.

Wish Alex is here. 

Ahh. I wish i get well soon. 

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So sick 

First time in ages that I felt so sick. I completely lost my voice. Body’s aching. Constant nose blocked. Felt a slight fever coming up but manage to get rid after popping a couple tabs of Panadol. I feel a bit overwhelm these couple of days and a bit down for some reason but im glad i notice it quickly and manage to calm down  after I took my meds. I’m a lot better in handling my emotions and mental state now which is really good.

This year is finally coming to an end. So many things happen. The travels especially. It has been a tremendous exciting journey. The first half of the year was a lot of work. And the 2nd half was a lot of travels and Alex.

Once again. The trip that we both went to explore the whole of Thailand, from Krabi to Phuket to Chiang Mai to Bangkok kinda make me realize that I really really truly like Alex. Im in love with him. I want him to be happy and i want to be with him and experience life together.

It’s this whole modern dating complicated grey area here we are facing but I hope we can be together geographically in the next couple of years. I’m willing to wait and i do want to step up on my career now too. I hope this will be the time that both of us work hard for what we want and then we can plan our journey in the next couple of years.

Its tough. It sounds like a dream. Maybe its mine. Maybe its his too. I don’t know. All I know is I’ve never connects to anyone on such a deep level and he’s the one that i feel whole with.

Feeling so vulnerable. I feel like all the mental health demons are tryna come back at me. All I wanna do is to be a hermit crab. Hide at home. Not talk to anyone. Not work. Get my cough and flu over and done with first before I face the world. Meditate as much as possible. Read on my kindle. I wish i could just cuddle Alex and sleep. I miss him so much. Can’t wait to visit him soon. Just being really down at the moment. Rants over.

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December 2016

It’s been almost a month since i last posted. For some reason, im not working at that “happy” place anymore. It became unhappy. But hey, life goes on. Alex got to Singapore a couple of weeks ago and we went travelling around Thailand. It was one of the best time i ever had, even though we felt sick after eating something wrong and took turns throwing up and having diarrhoea. LOL. So good to see him again, it was a little strange and awkward at first, having to distant ourselves, but things went and we were very comfortable with each other. Sadly, he has gone back to the US, and im hoping i’ll be able to see him again very soon. So complicated, but yet so simple at the same time.

Anyway, i’ve got a new job, that i want to commit, it’s back to the nightclub scene, making g&t one after another, dancing the whole night. Couldn’t have asked for more. I’ve been reading heaps, i love reading, never thought i’d say that. And my life has been changing bit by bit for the better and im very happy with that.

Currently reading a book called “Busy” by Tony Crabble, and it made me look at things in a different eye which i hope to be able to share that with my fellow friends and industry mate. Will talk about it on my next post.

Be back soon 🙂

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Positive thoughts

I don’t know what exactly happened, but i know it has gotta do with my current workplace. For once, i can confidently say that im in a very safe environment, very positive vibes going on, very encouraging people and very caring people.

I feel heaps better, physically, even though i have less than 6 hours of sleep everyday, and mentally. I haven’t shouted and talked back to anyone for the past week. Each time i get upset, or angry, i take a deep breath. It’s never easy to create this new habit but i try and try again. Putting in effort, making myself less upset and more positive.

I was told, when you get upset, usually it’s because of someone, your brain loses oxygen, hence you are unable to think properly, resulting in saying negative remarks, and words do hurt. So take a deep breath, and perhaps you can analyse what went wrong. Never ever flare up because you never want to stoop down to their level. They are not worthy of your time and energy to be upset about. Be the bigger person. Live and let go.

As the saying goes, your thoughts determine your success. Your thoughts will become your words, your words will become your actions, your actions will  become your habits, your habits will become your character, and your character becomes your destiny.

Many things have happened at home, and at work recently. But im glad and proud of myself that im able to control myself. Things will eventually get better.

Sending lots of love and positivity to every single human on earth. Be mindful, be strong, dare to make changes, be a better you.

Night night ❤

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Yesterday

It hurts, but i know i gave my best, so my heart is at ease. I still miss Alex, of course, the wound is still fresh. If i could turn back the time, and make sure i took care of myself first, probably i won’t breakdown, probably Alex won’t be uncomfortable. Probably this probably that, what ifs, maybe….. No one knows. But its ok, i still have hope, and i still have faith.

Im very blessed to have a bunch of my friends around, they were there for me, no matter what happened. A single text and they reach out to me. Jacqueline and Leroy came to visit me at work last night and i felt so appreciative. Jacqueline basically went thru what im going thru moment in the last year, and cut herself away from everyone, she looks so fresh and confident now and i know i’ll be ok very soon too.

I finally got a call from the mental hospital, in regards to having my psychologist appointment and it’s all the way in January, i told they lady, i probably would have killed myself waiting for help. Fuck the system in Singapore, fuck all. I don’t like living here but i know i have to sort myself out, before i have the strength and capability to take care of myself abroad. Give me a couple of years and i’ll be where i needed to be.

Right now, i need to focus on myself, one step at a time, i’m having too much on my plate now. Looking forward to going somewhere with Alex in a few weeks time, i won’t be spending the whole of 2 weeks together, but i’ll value the time that we will be together.

I proved to myself that im able to be a travelling model and not only i did it, i did it well. Now, that’s aside. This time i chose my path in hospitality and i will do my best and never give up. Only time will tell.

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