Yesterday

It hurts, but i know i gave my best, so my heart is at ease. I still miss Alex, of course, the wound is still fresh. If i could turn back the time, and make sure i took care of myself first, probably i won’t breakdown, probably Alex won’t be uncomfortable. Probably this probably that, what ifs, maybe….. No one knows. But its ok, i still have hope, and i still have faith.

Im very blessed to have a bunch of my friends around, they were there for me, no matter what happened. A single text and they reach out to me. Jacqueline and Leroy came to visit me at work last night and i felt so appreciative. Jacqueline basically went thru what im going thru moment in the last year, and cut herself away from everyone, she looks so fresh and confident now and i know i’ll be ok very soon too.

I finally got a call from the mental hospital, in regards to having my psychologist appointment and it’s all the way in January, i told they lady, i probably would have killed myself waiting for help. Fuck the system in Singapore, fuck all. I don’t like living here but i know i have to sort myself out, before i have the strength and capability to take care of myself abroad. Give me a couple of years and i’ll be where i needed to be.

Right now, i need to focus on myself, one step at a time, i’m having too much on my plate now. Looking forward to going somewhere with Alex in a few weeks time, i won’t be spending the whole of 2 weeks together, but i’ll value the time that we will be together.

I proved to myself that im able to be a travelling model and not only i did it, i did it well. Now, that’s aside. This time i chose my path in hospitality and i will do my best and never give up. Only time will tell.

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Life, travel, mental illness, love, relationship and every other things i want to get my mind off

Just over a week since i got back to Singapore, and got back to working asap. My mind’s all over the place again. Can’t wait to be over, and now wishing it was longer. This 4.5 months trip finally ended. Alex and i have parted ways, and im missing him very much.

This trip has been a hell of a ride. I did stuff that i never thought i’d do, i’ve seen things and places that i never thought i’d see ever in my life. Eaten all sorts of local delicacies. It’s crazy, i don’t even know how to explain. It’s great! That’s all i can say. Would i do this again? Probably yes. Anyway, just thought i should announce that Amsterdam has the best Chinese food, out of every where i’ve been so far. It’s insane.

So it’s my first time being in this part of the world, i’ve conquered so many places already. I’ve been to USA, UK and Europe. Here’s a list.

USA
Brooklyn, Mahanttan, Queens in New York City
Hoboken, Newark, Union in North Jersey
Alantic City, Haddon Township, Voorhees in South Jersey
Philadelphia in Pennsylvania
Baltimore in Maryland
Washington DC
Reston in Virginia

UK
Lymm, Liverpool, Manchester, Leeds, Loughborough, Sheffield, Bakewell, The Peak District, Wolverhampton, Walsall, Birmingham, Bristol, Bath, Stratford-Upon-Avon, Littleton-Upon-Severn, Bedford, London, Wales, Brecon Beacons

Europe
Munich, Stuttgart, Dusseldorf in Germany and then Amsterdam in Netherlands

And so much more little villages and towns that i cannot even remember the names……

Anyway… the things i want to get my mind off

The Relapse

It was amazing to be back into arms of my love one, however we didn’t have the time of our life. I had several meltdown, which causes me to go mental, and ended up hitting myself which causes so much bruises. I didn’t know what happened, we fought, because of nothing, i honestly didn’t know how did an argument even came about. All i know is every time i got a little annoyed,  go crazy. Literally crazy.

Departed

The last couple of days we had together wasn’t a happy one. It was moody, worrisome, nerve wreaking. There was no intimacy, it was depressing. I blamed myself, the whole self-loathsome act came. At the airport, it felt emotionless. I was sad, i don’t know how Alex feels, i did think he felt upset too but relieve at the same time, cause he just couldn’t deal with me anymore.

Alex

Alex and i have spoken quite a bit and its pretty obvious that he’s drifting away. Chatting just didn’t feel the same, no more funny snapchats, no more smiley emoticons. He was afraid, he said he was so scared, he didn’t know how to react, and he don’t know if he was actually ready to have a long distance relationship with me. What if things don’t work out? What if i moved in with him then we found out we are not compatible? All that is on his mind is his career now and all stuff. He said that it’s too hard to have a label or status.

It hurts, of course. It’s like he doesn’t want to end it, but he kept saying stuff that meant he didn’t want a relationship with me. What if we are not friends? He still cares a lot about me. We are all adults, and from the time we had serious discussion about our feelings for each other, i know im in, i know im ready to face the challenge, and overcome the distance. I thought he knew.

Live in the moment, i guess, back in July, that moment was that he fell hard for me, and hence he made that decision, but now things have changed. I have never shared with him anything about my personal mental health issue and i guess no one will ever know what would happen if i was ok and didn’t have any breakdowns that freak him out. Alex gets upsets when im upset, so he doesn’t want to upset me. I love this boy, with all my heart. No one has care for me as much as he does. No matter what the outcome is, im ready to accept. All i want is for him to be happy.

Im Sick

It all just happened today, this arvo in fact, i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. So i have depression, anxiety, bipolar, and BPD now. It all made sense now. It crazy, it started since young, my anger, the way i react to certain behaviours. The self-mutilation, the self-harm, the low self-esteem, and all, and i don’t even know what to say now. It made sense why i behaved the way i am. Im being referred to a therapist, and im looking forward, that’s all i can say.

A Wise Man Told Me

Lately, i’ve been surrounding myself with very positive people, which im very blessed. My manager, tell me how people should love each other, why certain people feel this way, how work should be, and what life should be. It’s a little enlightening, which i wish i could share it but im really bad at writing so i’ll try it another time.

Love

Awhile back, i wrote something to describe what i think about love, you can read it here. Right now, i have a bit of change of perspective. Love is selfless. Love is to care and concern. There should be a lot more love in the world. However what is the difference between friendship love and a couple’s love? I think it’s the same in fact, the only reason why people come together as a couple, is taking their friendship to a next level, because they not only like the opposite party, but they are able to feel comfortable enough to be intimate. I have a few best friends that i would risk my life for, but i don’t want to have anything sexual with them. I don’t want to be intimate with them, i think that’s what love it. Love is not about possession, love is about supporting one another, bringing each other to a higher ground and improving themselves in every way, helping each other to fulfill their dreams and goals. Love is about inspiring one another. Love is being together but still able to do things separately. Love is having trust and honesty. Love is to be kind. Love is not to understand one completely, but to accept one for who they are. Love is not about having a status or a label but to acknowledge someone for who they are. Love is being able to handle someone at their worst, and be there as well when they are at the best.

Relationship

It takes 2 hands to clap. It’s never a 100%, but in fact 2 50% that makes a whole 100%. It takes effort, it’s being there for one another. I personally believe that any 2 individual that are able to fall in love and to have an intimate relationship, no matter what happens, things will eventually always work out, because they never give up, and that’s a commitment. People take the word “relationship” too seriously, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a serious boy/girl relationship, or girl/girl boy/boy whatever, every interaction with 2 human beings is a relationship. For example, when i serve a customer at work, i want them to be happy, i need to put in effort and smile, and talk to them, rather than just putting the orders of the food and drinks of the table. Even that work-customer relationship has to involve work. Long distance can be overcome, if the effort goes both ways.

My own room

26 years of my life, i finally have my own room, sleeping in the living room. I finally found peace. I use a house and a sink analogy to explain. It’s like when you wash dirty plates in the sink, which represents your problems and being at home, means you can free yourself, and recharge, cleanse your mind, clean the dishes. But no. All these years, my house is like a clogged up drain. I don’t get alone time, and when at work, i deal with many people. Sometimes, all i want to do is to sit down alone at the comfort of my house, but i can’t. All my problems kept piling up. Im sitting here at the moment, writing all these, and it feels very therapeutic. Im very tired and there’s heaps more i want to say but i just want to get these out of my mind so i can feel better. And i am.

Till next time. Good night. And wishing everyone a little more love in this galaxy.

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The lost one

Since young, i’ve always wanted to leave Singapore and migrate to a “white-people’s” country. I have no idea why. Born and raised in Singapore, i was a typical Singaporean, finish my education, work, have a family and buy a house and pay the mortgage until the rest of my life. Funny enough, actually almost everyone in the world feels like this is the right way to live.

Growing up with my younger sister, Charlene, she’s always the smarter one. She has been to so many countries, all paid for by school, from being in the choir group. She went to the most reputable Junior College and University in Singapore.

Sometimes, actually, most times, i don’t feel like i belong to Singapore. I kinda knew it from the start, it just pretty much got confirmed after i moved to Perth. I think my parents lost hope in me. Mainly because im not earning as much money as i should, and i havent actually return the money i owe my mum for student loans.

Charlene just graduated from uni and is now probably gonna land a job, maybe marry some christian dude so she can walk down the aisle in a church, then buy a house together and have babies and work till the day she dies.

I got into an accident the day before and told my parents about it via our “family” whatsapp group. I had no reply, they didn’t even say anything. Mum spoken something about investing and Charlene said she don’t want to learn and she don’t know how. I personally feel like she’s just comfortable the way life it, and so are my parents. Why complicate it when you can just work and get money and spend it on things you like.

I feel very different though, i want to achieve something in life, i want to do what i want. Enjoy life, be realistic obviously, but not subject to the norms of life, to work then die. Im confused and upset now. I want to be successful, i know i will be. There’s this fire in me that burns strongly. I am hungry for more.

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