It hurts, but i know i gave my best, so my heart is at ease. I still miss Alex, of course, the wound is still fresh. If i could turn back the time, and make sure i took care of myself first, probably i won’t breakdown, probably Alex won’t be uncomfortable. Probably this probably that, what ifs, maybe….. No one knows. But its ok, i still have hope, and i still have faith.

Im very blessed to have a bunch of my friends around, they were there for me, no matter what happened. A single text and they reach out to me. Jacqueline and Leroy came to visit me at work last night and i felt so appreciative. Jacqueline basically went thru what im going thru moment in the last year, and cut herself away from everyone, she looks so fresh and confident now and i know i’ll be ok very soon too.

I finally got a call from the mental hospital, in regards to having my psychologist appointment and it’s all the way in January, i told they lady, i probably would have killed myself waiting for help. Fuck the system in Singapore, fuck all. I don’t like living here but i know i have to sort myself out, before i have the strength and capability to take care of myself abroad. Give me a couple of years and i’ll be where i needed to be.

Right now, i need to focus on myself, one step at a time, i’m having too much on my plate now. Looking forward to going somewhere with Alex in a few weeks time, i won’t be spending the whole of 2 weeks together, but i’ll value the time that we will be together.

I proved to myself that im able to be a travelling model and not only i did it, i did it well. Now, that’s aside. This time i chose my path in hospitality and i will do my best and never give up. Only time will tell.


The lost one

Since young, i’ve always wanted to leave Singapore and migrate to a “white-people’s” country. I have no idea why. Born and raised in Singapore, i was a typical Singaporean, finish my education, work, have a family and buy a house and pay the mortgage until the rest of my life. Funny enough, actually almost everyone in the world feels like this is the right way to live.

Growing up with my younger sister, Charlene, she’s always the smarter one. She has been to so many countries, all paid for by school, from being in the choir group. She went to the most reputable Junior College and University in Singapore.

Sometimes, actually, most times, i don’t feel like i belong to Singapore. I kinda knew it from the start, it just pretty much got confirmed after i moved to Perth. I think my parents lost hope in me. Mainly because im not earning as much money as i should, and i havent actually return the money i owe my mum for student loans.

Charlene just graduated from uni and is now probably gonna land a job, maybe marry some christian dude so she can walk down the aisle in a church, then buy a house together and have babies and work till the day she dies.

I got into an accident the day before and told my parents about it via our “family” whatsapp group. I had no reply, they didn’t even say anything. Mum spoken something about investing and Charlene said she don’t want to learn and she don’t know how. I personally feel like she’s just comfortable the way life it, and so are my parents. Why complicate it when you can just work and get money and spend it on things you like.

I feel very different though, i want to achieve something in life, i want to do what i want. Enjoy life, be realistic obviously, but not subject to the norms of life, to work then die. Im confused and upset now. I want to be successful, i know i will be. There’s this fire in me that burns strongly. I am hungry for more.