A new beginning

Alex and i broke up. One of the hardest decision i’ve ever made. For the first time, i can tell someone that its their lost, and i’ve given all that i can. I tried my best. I try to be optimistic. This will be a start of a new relationship between us, a new friendship.

Nobody knows what the futures lies. Life still goes on. And im still looking forward to meeting Alex when he gets here, and take this time to go travel and let my mind free after being obsessed with work for the last 2 weeks.

Everything will get better. Everything will work out. It might not be today or tomorrow but it eventually will.

I am ok.

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Words to live by

Don’t expect anything if you don’t work for it.

We are just trying to figure each other out.

Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.

It might take a day, it might take a year. But what’s meant to be will always find its way.

Beautiful faces are everywhere but beautiful minds are hard to find.

True love is not found, its build.

Appreciate those who don’t give up on you.

Loyalty, dignity, morals, good heart, and good character.

Sometimes you gotta remember that everyone wasn’t raised like you.

Difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take.

Don’t talk, just act, don’t say, just show, don’t promise, just prove.

You can’t start the next chapter if you kept re-reading the last one.

Over-thinking ruins you, ruins the situation, twists things around, makes you worry, and makes everything much worst than it actually is.

The 3 C’s in life, Choices, Chances, Changes. You must make a choice, to take a chance of your life would never change.

Love says: I’ve seen the ugly part of you and im still staying.True love is growing as a couple and never giving up on each other.

Distance doesn’t ruin a relationship, doubts do.

If you truly appreciate someone, don’t just say it, show it.Don’t measure the distance, measure the love.

Understand that no one is perfect.No one is perfect until  you fall in love with them.

Life goes on…

But at this moment, i just wanna run away and hide. I think im breaking down again.

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Started from my childhood

My manager jokingly said something to me the other day, 你外表看起来很强装可是内心是需要爱. Meaning, you look tough on the outside but you need love on the inside.

Had a chat with mum this morning about my trip to the psychiatrist. It’s kinda weird talking sensitive stuff to her. It has never really been a case where there’s much heart to heart talk. It’s an asian thing i guess, many friends that i know, and even videos in YouTube about stereotypical asians, parents and kids don’t really share our feelings with one another.

Many times i wonder why am i so depress, i have a roof over my head, i have a complete family, i have friends, good job, my love for modelling has been doing very well too, there’s no need for me to feel upset. And my psychiatrist told me that having borderline personality disorder is something that started from a young age.

So i told my mum what she said, and she reckons, apart from feeling loved, you have everything, and it all made sense to me, again. My parents wasn’t home most time as both of them had full-time job. They were not very well to do, but they make sure that my sister and i were both were well taken care of and i was taken care by a domestic helper a few months i was born until the age of 16. It was only much later, like when im in my late teens or 20s, only that my mum stop her job and stayed at home, for a few months, to have a break at work and to “catch up” time with her kids. Till this day, my dad is still working like crazy.

My mum has 8 siblings including herself but they were not close, in fact they sort of cut ties at a young age. I remembered my mum told me once she saw her brother at the supermarket but they didn’t speak to one another, i don’t know if he didn’t see her or she didn’t bother calling him or what not. My mum is also not close with her parents as she was very independent when she was very young age, and her parents practice favouritism, i think, that’s what happen if im not wrong. I think it was below the age of 13, i don’t think i ever seen anyone related to my mum.

As for my dad side of the family, he was the eldest of his siblings, with 1 aunt and 1 uncle. As the eldest son, he was a very independent, and started working at a very young age too. My paternal grandfather, has a mistress, and he has always been taking care of that other family rather than his own one. I remember asking my grandmother once, why didn’t she leave him, and i vaguely remember her reply but she told me (i forgot was it her in-laws or her own parents), but either one or both of them had divorces before, and she just wanted to sorta stop the “curse”. She didn’t say the word curse, but implied that she doesn’t wish her future generation would end up in a divorce. It’s pretty funny, weird, that till this day, every Chinese New Year, we all still hang out together and my grandmother, and the “step-grandmother” treat each other as sisters. Kinda respect them for loving my grandfather. Anyway, i just don’t have much respect for my grandfather, because of a lot of things but let’s not go to that. So my immediate family, sister, dad, mum, and i, we are not close to my grandfather. On top of that, my grandmother kinda favours my aunt and uncle more, hence we are not as close to her as much as our cousins. My sister and i just don’t have that close relationship like most grandparents and grand children have.

I also think that mum and dad have heaps differences in their lives, they don’t love each other as much like most couples, i think, but im sure they care each other a lot. That’s why they are still together. They still put in effort until this day, and try to make things work, which both of them do agree that being in a relationship is all about giving and taking, and compromising.

I believe every human has their own battles and problems that no one might ever know, perhaps my sister has some problems too i just do not know yet. But i do know everyone should care for one another, and love a little more.

Anyway, that’s my story, so that’s what my mum said, and she said, she reckons that’s why i always fall so hard for a guy because i was craving for love and affection. So like i said, it all made sense, why i behave this way, why i was expecting so much in a relationship, why it feels like a piece of me was gone when my friends disappointed me. Why i felt so upset when i realize im not close with my old friends anymore. I guess i was trying to make up for it. And my bipolar, and depression, are causes of bad breakups and expectations, then the BPD plays apart and that evil cycle just kept going over and over again. But right now, it has to stop. I know the root of my problem, and im determined to improve and love myself, because i know im capable of loving other people, but i need to make sure im strong enough to protect myself before i can be capable of protect my love ones. Because i am truly appreciative of people and I value my friends.

That being said, im missing Alex so very much and i hope everything will work out between us.

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Life, travel, mental illness, love, relationship and every other things i want to get my mind off

Just over a week since i got back to Singapore, and got back to working asap. My mind’s all over the place again. Can’t wait to be over, and now wishing it was longer. This 4.5 months trip finally ended. Alex and i have parted ways, and im missing him very much.

This trip has been a hell of a ride. I did stuff that i never thought i’d do, i’ve seen things and places that i never thought i’d see ever in my life. Eaten all sorts of local delicacies. It’s crazy, i don’t even know how to explain. It’s great! That’s all i can say. Would i do this again? Probably yes. Anyway, just thought i should announce that Amsterdam has the best Chinese food, out of every where i’ve been so far. It’s insane.

So it’s my first time being in this part of the world, i’ve conquered so many places already. I’ve been to USA, UK and Europe. Here’s a list.

USA
Brooklyn, Mahanttan, Queens in New York City
Hoboken, Newark, Union in North Jersey
Alantic City, Haddon Township, Voorhees in South Jersey
Philadelphia in Pennsylvania
Baltimore in Maryland
Washington DC
Reston in Virginia

UK
Lymm, Liverpool, Manchester, Leeds, Loughborough, Sheffield, Bakewell, The Peak District, Wolverhampton, Walsall, Birmingham, Bristol, Bath, Stratford-Upon-Avon, Littleton-Upon-Severn, Bedford, London, Wales, Brecon Beacons

Europe
Munich, Stuttgart, Dusseldorf in Germany and then Amsterdam in Netherlands

And so much more little villages and towns that i cannot even remember the names……

Anyway… the things i want to get my mind off

The Relapse

It was amazing to be back into arms of my love one, however we didn’t have the time of our life. I had several meltdown, which causes me to go mental, and ended up hitting myself which causes so much bruises. I didn’t know what happened, we fought, because of nothing, i honestly didn’t know how did an argument even came about. All i know is every time i got a little annoyed,  go crazy. Literally crazy.

Departed

The last couple of days we had together wasn’t a happy one. It was moody, worrisome, nerve wreaking. There was no intimacy, it was depressing. I blamed myself, the whole self-loathsome act came. At the airport, it felt emotionless. I was sad, i don’t know how Alex feels, i did think he felt upset too but relieve at the same time, cause he just couldn’t deal with me anymore.

Alex

Alex and i have spoken quite a bit and its pretty obvious that he’s drifting away. Chatting just didn’t feel the same, no more funny snapchats, no more smiley emoticons. He was afraid, he said he was so scared, he didn’t know how to react, and he don’t know if he was actually ready to have a long distance relationship with me. What if things don’t work out? What if i moved in with him then we found out we are not compatible? All that is on his mind is his career now and all stuff. He said that it’s too hard to have a label or status.

It hurts, of course. It’s like he doesn’t want to end it, but he kept saying stuff that meant he didn’t want a relationship with me. What if we are not friends? He still cares a lot about me. We are all adults, and from the time we had serious discussion about our feelings for each other, i know im in, i know im ready to face the challenge, and overcome the distance. I thought he knew.

Live in the moment, i guess, back in July, that moment was that he fell hard for me, and hence he made that decision, but now things have changed. I have never shared with him anything about my personal mental health issue and i guess no one will ever know what would happen if i was ok and didn’t have any breakdowns that freak him out. Alex gets upsets when im upset, so he doesn’t want to upset me. I love this boy, with all my heart. No one has care for me as much as he does. No matter what the outcome is, im ready to accept. All i want is for him to be happy.

Im Sick

It all just happened today, this arvo in fact, i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. So i have depression, anxiety, bipolar, and BPD now. It all made sense now. It crazy, it started since young, my anger, the way i react to certain behaviours. The self-mutilation, the self-harm, the low self-esteem, and all, and i don’t even know what to say now. It made sense why i behaved the way i am. Im being referred to a therapist, and im looking forward, that’s all i can say.

A Wise Man Told Me

Lately, i’ve been surrounding myself with very positive people, which im very blessed. My manager, tell me how people should love each other, why certain people feel this way, how work should be, and what life should be. It’s a little enlightening, which i wish i could share it but im really bad at writing so i’ll try it another time.

Love

Awhile back, i wrote something to describe what i think about love, you can read it here. Right now, i have a bit of change of perspective. Love is selfless. Love is to care and concern. There should be a lot more love in the world. However what is the difference between friendship love and a couple’s love? I think it’s the same in fact, the only reason why people come together as a couple, is taking their friendship to a next level, because they not only like the opposite party, but they are able to feel comfortable enough to be intimate. I have a few best friends that i would risk my life for, but i don’t want to have anything sexual with them. I don’t want to be intimate with them, i think that’s what love it. Love is not about possession, love is about supporting one another, bringing each other to a higher ground and improving themselves in every way, helping each other to fulfill their dreams and goals. Love is about inspiring one another. Love is being together but still able to do things separately. Love is having trust and honesty. Love is to be kind. Love is not to understand one completely, but to accept one for who they are. Love is not about having a status or a label but to acknowledge someone for who they are. Love is being able to handle someone at their worst, and be there as well when they are at the best.

Relationship

It takes 2 hands to clap. It’s never a 100%, but in fact 2 50% that makes a whole 100%. It takes effort, it’s being there for one another. I personally believe that any 2 individual that are able to fall in love and to have an intimate relationship, no matter what happens, things will eventually always work out, because they never give up, and that’s a commitment. People take the word “relationship” too seriously, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a serious boy/girl relationship, or girl/girl boy/boy whatever, every interaction with 2 human beings is a relationship. For example, when i serve a customer at work, i want them to be happy, i need to put in effort and smile, and talk to them, rather than just putting the orders of the food and drinks of the table. Even that work-customer relationship has to involve work. Long distance can be overcome, if the effort goes both ways.

My own room

26 years of my life, i finally have my own room, sleeping in the living room. I finally found peace. I use a house and a sink analogy to explain. It’s like when you wash dirty plates in the sink, which represents your problems and being at home, means you can free yourself, and recharge, cleanse your mind, clean the dishes. But no. All these years, my house is like a clogged up drain. I don’t get alone time, and when at work, i deal with many people. Sometimes, all i want to do is to sit down alone at the comfort of my house, but i can’t. All my problems kept piling up. Im sitting here at the moment, writing all these, and it feels very therapeutic. Im very tired and there’s heaps more i want to say but i just want to get these out of my mind so i can feel better. And i am.

Till next time. Good night. And wishing everyone a little more love in this galaxy.

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What i’ve learnt

We spent all our lives trying to find ourselves. We go on meditation retreat, travel, detox, basically trying to find out the purpose of our lives. Im travelling at the moment, alone, trying to figure what do i want exactly, and my conclusion is that there’s no way we can ever find out. There’s no such thing as a purpose, but just to survive. In the cave man era, survival is to hunt, eat, and sleep. In this century, its to work, eat, sleep, and every other things that we do, that we call hobbies, such as doing sports, go drinking, have occasional high-tea with your mates, those are just to keep your sanity alive, cause work is hectic.

Anyway, i found out a lot about myself, and that “point”, where you realize “it all makes sense now”. That moment just make everything so clear, why i did certain stuff when i was a kid, why this happens, why this why that.

I found out that im a very emotional person, pretty obvious because i do blog about stuff every now and again, it’s hard not to realize that. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, bipolar, anxiety, and i get panic attack now and again, and when Aunt Erma visits once a month, i become dipshit insane, which involves verbal diarrhoea, hitting myself, and crying nonstop, and because im such an emotional person, it feels even worst, the “what ifs” scenarios keeps playing in my head, one thing leads to another, it’s pretty scary. When i hit myself, i sorta transfer my pain from emotional and mental to physical and that diverts the attention.

The other day, i saw this little boy at the bakery, accidentally dropped his buns on the floor, and i freaked out and cried. I felt bad for him. And a homeless man (i assumed), got kicked out of the bench by security guards, and i got so upset. I could have ignore, its none of my problem, and i probably wouldn’t get upset. But i don’t know why.

i get stressed, i think, a lot, too much. I think it’s normal though, i remember what the famous comedian Russell Peter said, that women brains are constantly thinking, and the brain of a male have the ability to just do nothing. So i guess it’s ok, i think. Everyone has different lives, yet sometimes we can relate to them so much. It’s so weird, yet fascinating at the same time.

What do i think about myself being emotional? Do i like it or not? Hmm, sometimes i do, i think i have to ability to relate to people in many ways, being compassionate. Being with me it’s like going surfing, there’s ups and downs. Sometimes i wish i could be a bit more cold, less emotional, mentally strong. But would people around me think that im a boring and self-centered person? Cause sometimes i think that about people, then again, who cares right?

This is life i guess, things goes rounds in a circle, people who are very emotional try to be less emotional so that they wouldn’t care much, and vice versa, people that are less emotional try to be emotional cause they want to understand and know what is it like to have more feelings so they could relate. People that are introverts admire extroverts cause they have the ability to make friends that easily, and at the same time, extroverts admire introverts cause they have the courage to be alone at most times. And so on and forth. The circle of life, this is.

Life sucks, but it can be great sometimes, or life is great, but there are shitty moments. The glass is half filled, or half empty, but at least there’s water. Make plans, but live in moment, i try to tell myself that everyday. And i’ll keep trying. Eventually it’ll all work out. The sun always comes after the rain, even though there will be rain somehow again, but the sun will still come out. We just have to accept that this is life, ups and downs, it’s a circle. Just try to survive in the easiest and happier way.

I’ve got back to my medication for the last 2 days, i feel less emotional now, i feel like there’s a barrier inside of me. I don’t know if that’s good, but i don’t wanna breakdown again in these last couple of days. I’ve been very lucky, to have a boyfriend, a good friend, that stands by me, supports me, and help me, and care for me. Im blessed. Looking forward to this weekend, last few days together before we part again.

Wishing everyone a little more love, towards everyone else, and especially for themselves.

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Autumn in Europe

Almost 2 weeks now in Europe, finally reunited with Alex 🙂 It’s been an absolute blast, im so happy to be back again and spend time with him. Europe has never been on my plan this trip and its another surprise that this trip happen, just like Canada.

It’s been such a good break. No shoots, nothing, just resting heaps. Being a slob basically. Weather has been getting bad, by bad i mean cold, and i hate the cold, and its raining too.

We’ve been to Munich last week for 2 days and got to Oktoberfest, met up with my good ol’ mate Ken lil bro. Is in Stuttgart at the moment, went to the Volksfest, and visit Birkenkopf, where the highest point of Stuttgart is, also known as the rubble mountains, where you can find remains of what happened in WWII. We also went over to Ludwigsburg, another little city and coincidentally happen to have a street festival with so many food stalls which is my favourite.

Looking forward to Amsterdam this coming weekend and spending time with work-free Alex. Wishing we could close the distance real soon.

I’ll be back soon. Just being lazy now before i get flooded with work when i head back to Singapore.

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Catching up

Just to catch up on what’s been happening on my trip. Im in London now. Busy city, cold, getting cold. VERY expensive. accommodation wise, its been hectic as usual, but im happy it’s getting sorted out and i’ll be safe till then end of the month.

About £33 for an unlimited public transport 7-day pass on zone 1 to 2. I’ve been using it to travel anywhere around London. Seeing many things. Some mandatory stuff such as the palace (from the outside of course) and to the Sky Garden to see the overall, so yea, pretty much seen everything already. Having severe face allergy at the moment so hopefully that will go off soon.

I need a well deserved break. Looking forward to the Europe trip, nice hugs and kisses from the lovely boyfriend. Being in a place where i know i’ll be safe, and someone to trust and rely on. Having a carefree mind to explore different places together and share lovely memories with each other.

2016 has been a very interesting one. Full of sadness actually. Not referring to me but the whole world. People falling sick, viruses around the world, many deaths going on. It’s been tragic. As for me, i’ve been thru heaps of shit, but then again no doubt there’s many amazing stuff that has happen to me too.

To my friends, strangers, anyone in the world, i wish, i hope, i pray, things will get better. Always (try) to look on the bright side of life.

Peace ❤

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