Started from my childhood

My manager jokingly said something to me the other day, 你外表看起来很强装可是内心是需要爱. Meaning, you look tough on the outside but you need love on the inside.

Had a chat with mum this morning about my trip to the psychiatrist. It’s kinda weird talking sensitive stuff to her. It has never really been a case where there’s much heart to heart talk. It’s an asian thing i guess, many friends that i know, and even videos in YouTube about stereotypical asians, parents and kids don’t really share our feelings with one another.

Many times i wonder why am i so depress, i have a roof over my head, i have a complete family, i have friends, good job, my love for modelling has been doing very well too, there’s no need for me to feel upset. And my psychiatrist told me that having borderline personality disorder is something that started from a young age.

So i told my mum what she said, and she reckons, apart from feeling loved, you have everything, and it all made sense to me, again. My parents wasn’t home most time as both of them had full-time job. They were not very well to do, but they make sure that my sister and i were both were well taken care of and i was taken care by a domestic helper a few months i was born until the age of 16. It was only much later, like when im in my late teens or 20s, only that my mum stop her job and stayed at home, for a few months, to have a break at work and to “catch up” time with her kids. Till this day, my dad is still working like crazy.

My mum has 8 siblings including herself but they were not close, in fact they sort of cut ties at a young age. I remembered my mum told me once she saw her brother at the supermarket but they didn’t speak to one another, i don’t know if he didn’t see her or she didn’t bother calling him or what not. My mum is also not close with her parents as she was very independent when she was very young age, and her parents practice favouritism, i think, that’s what happen if im not wrong. I think it was below the age of 13, i don’t think i ever seen anyone related to my mum.

As for my dad side of the family, he was the eldest of his siblings, with 1 aunt and 1 uncle. As the eldest son, he was a very independent, and started working at a very young age too. My paternal grandfather, has a mistress, and he has always been taking care of that other family rather than his own one. I remember asking my grandmother once, why didn’t she leave him, and i vaguely remember her reply but she told me (i forgot was it her in-laws or her own parents), but either one or both of them had divorces before, and she just wanted to sorta stop the “curse”. She didn’t say the word curse, but implied that she doesn’t wish her future generation would end up in a divorce. It’s pretty funny, weird, that till this day, every Chinese New Year, we all still hang out together and my grandmother, and the “step-grandmother” treat each other as sisters. Kinda respect them for loving my grandfather. Anyway, i just don’t have much respect for my grandfather, because of a lot of things but let’s not go to that. So my immediate family, sister, dad, mum, and i, we are not close to my grandfather. On top of that, my grandmother kinda favours my aunt and uncle more, hence we are not as close to her as much as our cousins. My sister and i just don’t have that close relationship like most grandparents and grand children have.

I also think that mum and dad have heaps differences in their lives, they don’t love each other as much like most couples, i think, but im sure they care each other a lot. That’s why they are still together. They still put in effort until this day, and try to make things work, which both of them do agree that being in a relationship is all about giving and taking, and compromising.

I believe every human has their own battles and problems that no one might ever know, perhaps my sister has some problems too i just do not know yet. But i do know everyone should care for one another, and love a little more.

Anyway, that’s my story, so that’s what my mum said, and she said, she reckons that’s why i always fall so hard for a guy because i was craving for love and affection. So like i said, it all made sense, why i behave this way, why i was expecting so much in a relationship, why it feels like a piece of me was gone when my friends disappointed me. Why i felt so upset when i realize im not close with my old friends anymore. I guess i was trying to make up for it. And my bipolar, and depression, are causes of bad breakups and expectations, then the BPD plays apart and that evil cycle just kept going over and over again. But right now, it has to stop. I know the root of my problem, and im determined to improve and love myself, because i know im capable of loving other people, but i need to make sure im strong enough to protect myself before i can be capable of protect my love ones. Because i am truly appreciative of people and I value my friends.

That being said, im missing Alex so very much and i hope everything will work out between us.

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