What i’ve learnt

We spent all our lives trying to find ourselves. We go on meditation retreat, travel, detox, basically trying to find out the purpose of our lives. Im travelling at the moment, alone, trying to figure what do i want exactly, and my conclusion is that there’s no way we can ever find out. There’s no such thing as a purpose, but just to survive. In the cave man era, survival is to hunt, eat, and sleep. In this century, its to work, eat, sleep, and every other things that we do, that we call hobbies, such as doing sports, go drinking, have occasional high-tea with your mates, those are just to keep your sanity alive, cause work is hectic.

Anyway, i found out a lot about myself, and that “point”, where you realize “it all makes sense now”. That moment just make everything so clear, why i did certain stuff when i was a kid, why this happens, why this why that.

I found out that im a very emotional person, pretty obvious because i do blog about stuff every now and again, it’s hard not to realize that. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, bipolar, anxiety, and i get panic attack now and again, and when Aunt Erma visits once a month, i become dipshit insane, which involves verbal diarrhoea, hitting myself, and crying nonstop, and because im such an emotional person, it feels even worst, the “what ifs” scenarios keeps playing in my head, one thing leads to another, it’s pretty scary. When i hit myself, i sorta transfer my pain from emotional and mental to physical and that diverts the attention.

The other day, i saw this little boy at the bakery, accidentally dropped his buns on the floor, and i freaked out and cried. I felt bad for him. And a homeless man (i assumed), got kicked out of the bench by security guards, and i got so upset. I could have ignore, its none of my problem, and i probably wouldn’t get upset. But i don’t know why.

i get stressed, i think, a lot, too much. I think it’s normal though, i remember what the famous comedian Russell Peter said, that women brains are constantly thinking, and the brain of a male have the ability to just do nothing. So i guess it’s ok, i think. Everyone has different lives, yet sometimes we can relate to them so much. It’s so weird, yet fascinating at the same time.

What do i think about myself being emotional? Do i like it or not? Hmm, sometimes i do, i think i have to ability to relate to people in many ways, being compassionate. Being with me it’s like going surfing, there’s ups and downs. Sometimes i wish i could be a bit more cold, less emotional, mentally strong. But would people around me think that im a boring and self-centered person? Cause sometimes i think that about people, then again, who cares right?

This is life i guess, things goes rounds in a circle, people who are very emotional try to be less emotional so that they wouldn’t care much, and vice versa, people that are less emotional try to be emotional cause they want to understand and know what is it like to have more feelings so they could relate. People that are introverts admire extroverts cause they have the ability to make friends that easily, and at the same time, extroverts admire introverts cause they have the courage to be alone at most times. And so on and forth. The circle of life, this is.

Life sucks, but it can be great sometimes, or life is great, but there are shitty moments. The glass is half filled, or half empty, but at least there’s water. Make plans, but live in moment, i try to tell myself that everyday. And i’ll keep trying. Eventually it’ll all work out. The sun always comes after the rain, even though there will be rain somehow again, but the sun will still come out. We just have to accept that this is life, ups and downs, it’s a circle. Just try to survive in the easiest and happier way.

I’ve got back to my medication for the last 2 days, i feel less emotional now, i feel like there’s a barrier inside of me. I don’t know if that’s good, but i don’t wanna breakdown again in these last couple of days. I’ve been very lucky, to have a boyfriend, a good friend, that stands by me, supports me, and help me, and care for me. Im blessed. Looking forward to this weekend, last few days together before we part again.

Wishing everyone a little more love, towards everyone else, and especially for themselves.

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