I never knew that blogging would be a great help to me. I’ve been having this blog for a couple of years now. Whenever im sad, or happy, or angry, or being creative, i wanna write it down. Like now, im feeling really depress. I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs, and pull my hair, and scratch myself. Im sitting in the living room, filled with cat fur, and face being swollen from an allergic reaction. I don’t remember the last time i felt so heartbroken. I can’t breath properly, i cant think properly. The tear bucket in your eyes has already dried up. Im in pain, physically, and emotionally. I want to go to bed and forget everything, shut myself from the world, but i cant. My face is so itchy, my heart is pounding, my minds running. My life feels like everything is crumbling down. The light at the end of the tunnel is diminishing. I feel like breaking down.
I knew long distance was tough, especially with my mental state, and i was crazy enough to give it another go. Im a hypocrite. I have heaps of guys friends since i was a kid, and yet i get jealous a tiny bit. “Stop being jealous!” they said. But it isn’t that easy. Blame it on the past. Blame it on myself. Blame it on my low self-confidence. Blame it on my low self-esteem.
Im conscious enough to know that whatever happens, life still goes on. And i know i will survive. I think i’ve been thru the worst. I don’t think that i can ever felt that low in my life ever again. But i know i know if shit happens. I will crash. This is not a threat. This is reality. This is how i feel.
I get into this “zone” where i think of silly stuff, and i know it sounds silly, but i have to get it out otherwise it’s stuck in my head and my chest feels tight, and i cant breathe. And then when the time comes. I regret, and feel like what im feeling now.
I read and research how to be a better girlfriend. What are the dos and don’ts. Its kinda common sense anyway, but i just can’t seem to grasp it sometimes. I wish i can erase my brain and reset it again. I know i can be a good one. I can prove it. I just need to get my shit together. I hate it when i cant get a hold of myself.
Im sorry. I truly am. I just missed you so much. I love you.