Depression

It feels like a blanket of darkness falls upon you. You are unable to see the future, nor know what to do, how to react. You procrastinate, things don’t get done. You panic. You know you’re suppose to sort your shit out but for some weird reason there is this lack of energy you have that stops you from doing anything. You can’t get anything done, but yet you still feel restless.

You hope someone will be there for you, but yet you don’t really know how to approach cause you feel like a burden to them. Each time i have a massive breakdown, i go to the bathroom and cry, and hit myself. I get panic attacks. I don’t know what to do. I freaked out. I call someone, then i don’t even know what to say. I start to question myself, why the fuck am i bothering someone, again. I feel ashamed. I apologized, all the time.

Its a state of mind, try to snap out. So easy to say yet so hard to do. The promise someone gave to you doesn’t seem to be there when the time comes cause bear in mind they are humans too, and they have their own woes and troubles, and they have got no time to deal with yours.

Don’t ask me why im depressed, i don’t know. I seem sucessful and full of confidence, that’s what most people assume anyway, and i should not be feeling like this. Im not here to ask for pity, i just want people to know that it feels horrible. Terribly horrible. I feel useless, i get depressed, then i feel useless cause i cannot get over being depressed. Then i get depress because i feel useless.  I do not want to feel like this. I really do not.

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9 thoughts on “Depression

  1. michelle says:

    continue to persevere! sorry for the late comment. i can identify with you, and as cliche as that sounds, truly, i do feel that way most times as well. was thinking if i should get it checked, but not sure how i should go about it. any advice? and i was just wondering, what’s your personality type? you may choose not to reply me 🙂

    • Hello Michelle. I’ve got it checked out and was prescribe some medications. It helped helped little I think. Or it seems like the situation in my life happen to be really good at some point so i didn’t know if it was the medication or the life situations that made me feel better. I don’t really know my personality type as per say but I am bipolar (according to my psychiatrist) and I have severe moodswings aka PMS. It’s an actual condition my previous counsellor told me about but I forgot about the name. It’s been awhile but im off medication now. I still take it if i know I need to but recently as simple as it sounds. A book I read by Eckhart Tolle. The power of now. Changed ‘ my life completely. And I’ve been doing meditation everyday. And it helped me heaps. I’ve definitely changed and improved a lot. I hope you’ll get better soon. A phrase that ive learn and come across a lot in the internet is “do not feed your enemy”. Also mean do not feed your depression. Do not tell others. It’s doesn’t mean that you have to face depression alone. It just means that you have to be strong and face it yourself. By sharing to others its like feeding it power and the “depression monster” knows that you are aware of its presences and will continue to harm you. But neglecting it. It will lose it me power and eventually fade away. All the best 🙂

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