Fragile

It’s 2.51am at the moment, and i demand myself to write this piece of mind so i could sleep better. I hate myself. I hate myself for being such a caring person. I hate myself for being naive. I hate myself for being so stupid. I hate myself even more for always falling in love. Im hopeless. I really am. I get affected easily by what people say. I have no confidence. Yes i am a nude model. I dare to walk naked around people im unfamiliar with during a photo shoot. BUT. That does not mean im a confidence person.

Try being ditch by all your ex-boyfriends. Try being cheated on. Try being such a hard worker and being called useless. Try to do your best and not deserve the best.

I need a break. It’s been 10 years since i’ve been in long-term relationships. I should not fall for people anymore. Not anytime soon anyway. I went to get a tattoo “Love Thyself” in a mirrored version on my ribs. So i could look into the mirror everyday and remind myself to love myself more. We were brought up with the saying “others before self” and i’ve been trying to uphold that phrase for my whole life. There’s another saying “do not expect anything in return” and i did not! I gave my all. I never expect something good in return. But i don’t like disappointments though. Why am i always getting disappointed? Am i such a worthless person?

The boys i met. We get along. And all of a sudden they ignore me. Why do that? Can’t they just be an adult and have  some balls to tell me that they are not interested anymore? Rather than leaving me hanging. And when i finally decide to move on they contacted me again. And when i reply they ignore. WTF is this shit? I honestly do not want to give a shit anymore. But it seem like my stupid and hopeless heart needs an attention. WTF is wrong with me? Fuck. I hate myself.

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